The bad and ugly.

I never thought it would be me, I was acutely aware of getting older and still being single, but I had been hopeful every year, this is my year, I will meet someone, I will have a baby, I will get to be a mom. And then it all came crashing down, when I saw my CT scan. I just knew. I cried more ugly tears, felt more heart break, loss, devastation, failure than I could ever imagine.  I was at my lowest,  there aren't really words to express how bad I felt. There are some times still I just cry, I cry because I don't get to be pregnant, I cry because I don't get to experience a baby inside my body, I don't get to experience labor and birth. I see other people with their new babies and I am jealous, and that is an emotion I don't like at all in myself, which starts a cycle of beating myself up.

Many of my friends have experienced infertility, and for every one of them I  have known  about I have cried for them. I don't know if it's because I have many friends who are open and talk, I don't know if it is because we are just talking about this more, or why I know so many people who suffer from infertility have had issues with pregnancy and loss, but it's heart breaking.   For all of these friends I have felt such grief and sadness.  I have tried to be supportive, when knowing no words can comfort them but tried to send them all of my love. Knowing they are probably thinking what in the fuck is your love going to do for me. But hoping somehow my friendship can provide support for them through hard times.  

With being very HIPAA sensitive, there are times my job makes me want to throw up for the things I see. For people who get to be birth moms and I don't, times I have to suck in some tears, and take care of people. When some of my best friends have experienced loss and grief, and I want to scream are you serious, why are these amazing beautiful people being tortured and yet  I have to deal with all of these people. These feelings I am not proud of, but these are real and raw.  It feels unfair, please don't tell me life is not fair, trust me I get it, I have been dealt my share of struggles. It feels like a slap in the fucking face to me, to my friends, to people who I want to be a mom, who people have literally done everything  and done nothing wrong.

A month after my surgery I went to a friends baby shower,  I didn't think anything about it, my friend was having a baby shower and I was so excited to celebrate her and her baby. The baby shower was beautiful, but in the middle this dark sad feeling gripped my heart, when I realized for me it will be different. On the way home, I think I said something to my friend who had driven,  but when I got home,  told someone else who understands all to well, and I cried more ugly horrible tears.

Thank you to my friends who have shared all of their experiences with me. Thank you to my friends who get it and let me cry my ugly tears, who called and sent me their love,  and continue to send me their love. If I can ever be there for you, send my love to you, hold your hand or cry ugly tears together know that I am here for you.  For all of my friends having babies know that I am so over the moon with joy and excitement for you, don't be afraid to share with me because I love babies and I love seeing my friends be moms so much.